| Mon 02/03/2015 - 14:10 EST

      10 Unspeakably Awful Athlete Music Videos

      10 Unspeakably Awful Athlete Music Videos

      As Chain & The Gang once observed, music’s not for everyone. That advice goes double for your favourite pro athlete. For some reason, there’s a segment of jocks that lust after life as a chart conquering legend. Occasionally there’s a mega-talented virtuoso in the bunch (R.I.P. Wayman Tisdale), but for the most part we’ve just been pummelled with one terrible vanity project after another. In honour of jocks that just can’t rock, here’s a look at 10 unspeakably awful athlete music videos. Prepare to take a dip in the garbage water that is jocks trying to rock.

      MC Hammer featuring Deion Sanders - Straight To My Feet

      Here’s a dagger plunged right in the heart of 90s nostalgia. MC Hammer and Deion Sanders were tasked with knocking out a party anthem for Jean Claude Van Damme’s live action Street Fighter flick and um… what more do you really need to know? It sounds like a hallucination brought on by prescription pill abuse, but (post glory) Hammer and Neon Deion really did form a tag team to churn out a goofy promo that merges a crappy video game adaptation with a superstar cornerback that maxed out everybody’s goodwill with blazing speed. You’ll have to watch “Straight To My Feet” through your fingers because you will involuntarily go into facepalm mode within 30 seconds. Also awful: Deion’s “Must Be The Money.”

      Carl Lewis - Break It Up

      Has Olympic hero Carl Lewis ever used performance enhancing drugs as an athlete? That depends on who you ask. One thing for certain is that the track & field star clearly didn’t use any PEDs in his music career. Feast your eyes on the bats*** crazy video for Lewis’ agony-inducing anthem “Break It Up.” Shot on a budget that couldn’t even score you two pizzas from Dominos, “Break It Up” boasts a mix of recycled highlights and thrilling Lewis hanging out in the gym action. There’s even a dash of comedy™ at the two minute mark when a zany woman with bubbles and novelty glasses interrupts Lewis’ workout. It’s implied that the two bang in the sauna at the end of the video which cranks up the cheap porno production factor even more.

      Calgary Flames - Red Hot

      Some athletes revel in the spotlight, while others look like they’d rather be anywhere else. Meet the latter. The 1986-87 Calgary Flames (featuring such hunks as Lanny McDonald and Joel Otto) banded together for a promotional video that looked like something your uncle’s drunk Knights of Columbus pals would knock out as a goof. Members of club attempt to project “smouldering” as they dutifully put their time as a lip-synching air band miming out an overwrought anthem about their own excellence. It’s essentially a Western Canadian hockey spin on the “Super Bowl Shuffle,” but with delightfully cringeworthy results. We can’t imagine how many line brawls were egged on thanks to opponents mentioning this video. 

      Manny Pacquiao - Sometimes When We Touch

      You have to hand it to Manny Pacquiao. Not only can he pummel opponents in the ring, but he can also bludgeon your mom’s favourite Lite FM classics to death outside of it. The Filipino boxing superstar’s most difficult opponent has proven to be carrying a tune and his rendition of Dan Hill’s maudlin “Sometimes When We Touch” is a textbook example of Pac-Man’s lack of singing prowess. If Floyd Mayweather is looking to decimate Pacquiao on May 2, he should just look into challenging his rival to a karaoke contest. Come back Oscar De La Hoya, all is forgiven.

      Oscar De La Hoya - Run To Me

      Actually Oscar, all is not forgiven. We still have your cheesy pop pugilist/lover promos burnt into our brains. “Run To Me” is the daffiest one of the bunch, showcasing De La Hoya as a leering goon that follows an attractive lady from a bar through the streets in a bid for romance. Sub out the sappy love song and the whole thing feels like an episode of Stalker. It’s a bummer that  Prince Naseem Hamed never tried his hand at a pop video. Dude knew a thing or two about awesome visuals.

      Shaquille O’Neal - Strait Playin’

      Sadly not a video tribute to country superstar George Strait (COULD YOU IMAGINE!, etc.), this clip from Shaquille O’Neal features the backboard demolishing big man pulling his usual dude in a rap video moves: Being tall and sometimes appearing in a vehicle large enough to hold him. The promo for “Strait Playin’” combines Shaq’s bland hip hop style with the weird decision to spend a lot of time leering at women in the bathroom. Voyeuristic pervs might dig the sight of a lady pulling a boa out of a gold toilet, but the rest of us it’s just baffling. It’s still better than Shaq Fu, though. Everything’s better than Shaq Fu.

      Steve Francis - Finer Things

      Former NBA Rookie of the Year Steve Francis would like to treat you to the finer things. Y’know, provided the finer things aren’t located in Vancouver. Viewers are “treated” to the ex-Rockets guard serving up lame rhymes while straining really hard to drive home that he owns luxury items. We get it, dude. Don’t hurt yourself. Also, buy a better video next time. A quality video should fall under the banner of “finer things.”

      Clint Dempsey - Don’t Tread

      U.S. Men’s national squad captain Clint Dempsey may have played in the Premier League during his stint in England, but his skill as a recording artist is YMCA intramural league at best. Under his MC nom de plume of Deuce, Dempsey sounds like Bubba Sparxxx if he had his talent stolen by the Monstars from Space Jam. Vinnie Jones doing “Bad Bad Leroy Brown” comes across like a masterpiece by comparison. Avoid.

      Golf Boys (Ben Crane, Bubba Watson, Rickie Fowler and Hunter Mahan) - 2.Oh

      Let’s get two things out the way before we go in. 1) This quartet of PGA stars have knocked out two clips as Golf Boys in the name of charity. 2) The clip is meant (we think) to be intentionally terrible. Alright, now that we have that settled, we can point out that this video is excruciating to soldier through. As the Golf Boys, Ben, Bubba, Rickie and Hunter are trying to channel The Lonely Island but are instead farting out Larry The Cable Guy level schtick. Did you ever have to sit through your school’s football team doing “skits” at a pep rally? Crank up the budget by 500% and you have Golf Boys.

      Chris Webber featuring Kurupt - Gangsta, Gangsta

      Hahahahahaha! Wow! The 1993 NCAA Tournament phantom timeout of music videos. Even cameos from Redman and Ghostface Killah can’t save this mess.


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